A MOM-ent For Self Reflection
I heard people bitching about my lack of posting lately. I’ve seen the interwebs buzzing with rumors that I was washed up and past my prime. I’d like to address those people now…
Apparently my mom caught up on the last couple of entries here and took exception to the one centering around her “use” of facebook. She jokingly threatened to start her own blog where she would make fun of me, adding she had plenty of material. When I told her to type something up and I’d post it here she declined. So…in honor of her I will try to point out some not so flattering things about me (If such things even exist!) whilst I talk about my mall trip today.
This morning took me on a belated holiday present shopping spree with my mom. I am notoriously indecisive in all aspects of my life, and especially awful at figuring out gifts for myself. Vanish put it best when he described me as “An Alright Guy.” I’m never too happy or too upset about anything. This has lead to birthday presents like an Albert Pujols Jersey I wore five times since I got it in 2004, (I tried looking for a photo of me in it to link to but I don’t think one exists. I guess that just better illustrates my point) or a box set of the Harry Potter books I got in 2007. I wanted the books immediately after first reading them that summer, but have since sat in my room untouched. Gift failures like those have led me in recent days to receive cash in an envelope for birthdays and holidays, which is probably more practical, but a tad depressing.
Anyway…I’d been meaning to cash in on my Chanukah ‘08 gift, when a mix up yesterday suddenly made the need to go shopping for clothing a more urgent issue. I wear jeans like Football teams use running backs now-a-days. Teams usually have two main players that share the running load, with a third that gets play every once in a while. If anything happens to one of those backs it puts a lot more pressure and stress on the remaining back, and then that second running back can get injured or is less effective, and if the coach isn’t prepared, the situation may become desperate, and the coach might have to resort to using one of his brother’s running backs who is way too small and undersized, and then no one wins.
Now allow me to make sense of all that by putting everything in terms of pants. (<-Maybe my favorite sentence I’ve ever written) Normally I wear two pairs of pants, not at the same time but in an alternating fashion (pun…sort of). I’ll wear one for about a week, then the other for about a week, and by then I’ll usually do my laundry. If not I bring in the third string pair for limited work. Some have questioned wearing a pair of pants for a week, (or longer) to them I’m going to go with the old standby and say simply ”My body, my choice.” That system has always worked, but I accidentally only brought home one pair of jeans for the break. This resulted in a Kenneth style crotch hole forming, which resulted in my mom throwing them out. This left me with no choice but to wear my brother’s far slimmer pants for a day. A day that was full of skin tight waddling, and an inability to knee-bend. For that reason it was clear today was the day to cash in my Chanukah gift.
Some highlights of the trip included waiting around while my mom tried to figure out if my sister would like a top, and then if it would fit her. This led me to volunteer to try it on and see how much of me was busting out of it as a size check against the Jonas Brothers Picture.
This is the point where I introduce a picture that I haven’t been sure what to do with for the last couple of weeks. I was in the basement and noticed an insanely tiny Jonas Brothers T-shirt in the laundry that belonged to my sister. Taken aback by the article of clothing that looked like it could fit a Barbie, I took the next obvious step and put it on. Thoroughly amused with myself, I went upstairs to show my mom what I had done. At which point she took this picture:
Upon seeing this picture my sister asked three questions, which were all answered with the same four words, I REALLY don’t know:
Heather: Why did you put on my shirt? —- How did you get it on? —- How did you get it OFF?
As unflattering as this picture may be, I knew I had to do something with it, and in the spirit of ragging on myself, here it is. It’s up here instead of on facebook to reward the Blogfest faithful. If this wasn’t the missing piece to girlfriend puzzle then I don’t know what is.
A fitting anecdote to wrap this up with took place at Urban Outfitters, where many an anecdote is birthed. They had for sale a little Bender figure, which I wanted to buy for my desk to replace the Angry Penguin guardian I lost last year. When I turned the six inch Bender box over to find the price, it read $108. I did a cartoonish double take before abandoning Bender. I settled for a small $8 Simpsons figure. The box contained a figure from the long list of The Simpsons characters. (Bleeding Gums Murphy, Krusty, Duffman, Itchy, Scratchy, Apu, The Bumble Bee Man, and Funzo were just some of the characters pictured on the box.) I got Lisa. Anyone who has ever watched The Simpsons knows how much that sucks. So now my desk at school gets to be protected by a little Lisa Simpson…even Marge would have been a better get.
