Yellow Snow, Blue Women, Gang Violence, and Bro Rape
Twenty-aught-nine started off with all of the action and drama Valkryie so greatly lacked. After getting out of the shower my brother eagerly alerts me I should have the camera ready. Excited for the first shenanigan of 2009 I follow him around for 10 minutes before he gets annoyed and tells me he’ll come get me when it’s ready. I start making plans for dinner (By the time I was awake and showered it was about 4:00) when Jesse tells me to look in the backyard.
There is a couple of things that need to be explained at this point. First, the Moskowitz house finally got HBO about 2 weeks ago and since being exposed to “Summer Heights High” my brother and I have been speaking to each other almost exclusively like one of the characters, Jonah. This includes a constant stream of ”Fuck off miss”-s and “Fuck you suhh”-s to moms and pops. This has not yet stopped being funny. If you watch ”Summer Heights High” you’re no doubt familiar with Jonah’s tag included above. If you don’t watch it try to get on that and there is the tag, a dick and tation meant to symbolize the word dictation. What Jesse tried to do was pee Jonah’s “dictation” into the snow in our backyard, only he didn’t realize that you can’t control the degree to which urine will melt snow and that his bladder didn’t hold enough juice for the entire tag, resulting in the above scene. While the year’s first shenanigan didn’t quite go off perfectly it combined outdoor urination, “Summer Heights High” and Dad calling someone an idiot so it was still solid.
After dinner with parts of the crew from sake bombing, shit got real. We decided to meet up with a kid who owed me money from over the summer. The amount was small, $20, at this point it was mostly out of principle and out of boredom (There’s definitely an “interest” pun in here but it’s not coming to me at this moment). However we don’t do anything normally so in a span of an hour a gang was assembled, mob nicknames were given (Zonka, Pussy Hands, Curly-cue, Retard Face, and Spirit Fingers to name a few) bats were taken out of my trunk and an applebees was besieged (more or less…mostly less). The actual confrontation was awkward and immature, much like a middle school fight, and I may or may not have wimped out at the time. I can’t say, only history will tell whether I won or lost that night. The one thing 2009 has taught me is that at some point you need to learn when to cut your losses when it comes to relationships with people, and in this case I’ve definitely lost/spent $20 to/on worse things.
My travels in 2009 have also taken me into Manhattan already, where I met up with friends from Binghamton. The day consisted of meals and shows connected by aimless wandering. Same shit, different year. We stuffed ourselves with Japanese food, got howled at by black bouncers and saw the Fat Guy From Bro Rape’s (Bobby Moynihan) improv group perform. All in all a good night. It was good to see old friends and make some new friends. Hmmm.
Gonna wrap up with something I keep forgetting about but keep meaning to mention. Coming home on the train the other night I was standing by the door with a small posse. The train was loud, my friends were across the aisle and I needed to fart, so I let it go. I didn’t realize that the edge of the pole I was leaning against was the head rest for a man sitting besides it. I fully realized my foul moments too late and chose to stand strong and bare my shame. The man got off a stop before me, eye contact was made, and ”In nothing everything was said” (Only Fudge and Nate will get this but I couldn’t resist saying it). So if somehow the guy out there stumbles upon this and was farted on, on the 1:19 to Port Washington in late Decemeber 2008, you have my sincerest apologies.
